Tag Archives: fear of rejection

Fear Within the Sexes

24 Jul

At their core, women fear that men will kill them. At their core, men fear that women will laugh at them. ~Gavin de Becker

This will be the first time that I’ve written a blog on quotes where I’m only knowledgeable on half of the quote. Having never been a woman, nor have any desire to be, I can’t speak on the first part of the quote “women fear that men will kill them.” But I certainly can speak to the male part, AND IT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

From a very early age boys strive to impress girls. It’s our nature. We may even deny any interest in girls but our egos are tightly intertwined with what they think of us. We don’t possess a magnificent plume of feathers to make an impression with, but we are quite capable of doing and saying some very stupid things. What we fear is female rejection.

As we get older this fear intensifies. It begins about junior high when we begin to see the opposite sex in a whole new light, and it never ends. Not in high school, college or anytime in our lives. We carry this fear with us always.

Let me ask the women reading this article; Have you ever seen a man that you’d like to meet spend a great deal of time looking at you, but never approaches you to introduce himself? You’re probably wondering what’s wrong with him. And you may even start to think, what’s wrong with me? There is nothing wrong with you. It’s all about him. And here is the kicker, the more attractive the woman the more fear the man experiences.

Until I read this quote by Mr. de Becker I always believed that our fear was in just being rejected, but it is more than that. What we really fear is being laughed at, which to us, is the ultimate rejection. Our egos cannot tolerate being the object of a women’s laughter.

When laughed at some men will slink away to lick their wounds, but others will respond in a more negative fashion. I think it depends on how much their ego is tied in with their feelings of self-worth. It is these men that add credence to the first part of this quote.

What’s the answer? You tell me.

With love,

Michael

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Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?

7 Mar

Fear of rejection is a sign of neediness – specifically, the need to be liked. ~Jim Camp

Where and when did it start? Was it in Kindergarten or even before? Even though we never like to hear it, we do expect to hear the word “No” from our family, and usually without much emotional  turmoil. But hearing it from a stranger, as in; “No, I’m not interested!” “No, I don’t want to be your friend.” “Please don’t call again.” can cause us a whole lot of hurt. But why? Why should being rejected feel so bad?

The reason I like the above quote so much is that Mr. Camp sees it as coming from a sense of neediness. Or, more specifically, the need to be liked. And that is certainly understandable. We are social creatures. It has been the history of mankind that we prefer to live in tribes, to be a part of a social network, to feel the comfort and safety one experiences from living with others that share our culture and it’s common values.

But that still does not explain why rejection causes us the potent fear and pain we feel. Why the intense need to be liked? My belief is that it has something to do with the ego. Your ego tells you who you are, and in no uncertain terms. Your ego has defined you and has painted a picture of you that it can’t help but constantly share with you.  This picture is made up of all the low opinions and negative comments ever said to you and about you by others. Most of which are not and never were true. But your ego doesn’t care about you or your feelings

Your ego will often point out to you all the things you lack and all the not enoughs you believe about yourself. Like: not talented enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough; not athletic enough, just plain not enough. When you are rejected your ego is front and center to help remind you of all the stupid and irrational reasons you were rejected. But most of them had nothing to do with you, and more to do with the person rejecting you.

If you’re a salesperson and you cold called a prospect and they got mad at you, it wasn’t you! First of all you probably sounded like a salesperson. That’s a kiss of death. Second you probably went into a boring sales pitch without ever finding out if they even had a need for what you were selling. They rejected you because you interrupted their day. If this is your fear learn to be a professional and do and say the “right” things when making cold calls.

If you were rejected in a social situation try to look at it from all sides. Most people have outgrown their juvenile need to be better than their peers. Most don’t go out of their way to hurt another person’s feelings, but may inadvertently do it. They may have been having a horrible day and they took it out on you. So what? You lived didn’t you.

It is important to understand; your ego is not your friend. Think about it. Would you be friends with another person if they constantly reminded you of all your faults, failures and mistakes? Would you be friends with someone who was always comparing you and your possessions to others and their possessions? I’m sure you wouldn’t.

The next time your ego chooses to speak negatively about you, tell it to stop. Let go of the ego’s negative thought and replace it with a thought that reminds you of your Greatness.

With Love,

Michael

 

Are You Getting Ready to Get Ready?

1 Mar

We are always getting ready to live, but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

My firm belief is that each of us was born to create. That the life force that dwells within us was placed there with the distinct purpose of moving our species forward, with each succeeding generation being smarter and more creative than the proceeding one. It’s as if each of us was born with a unique function, or what some would describe as a life’s purpose. But how many of us truly achieve their function?

Abba Eban, the great Israeli statesman, once said about PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat, “that he never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity.” While he was alive, Mr. Arafat had countless opportunities to make peace with Israel and thus guarantee his legacy and a better life for the Palestinian people. But it seemed that every time he got close to achieving this goal he would do or say something that would cause the talks to breakdown and the process would go back to square one.

I believe that what stops most people short of the goal, is fear. And this fear I’m talking about is one many of us don’t even know we have, because we don’t feel it or recognize its presence like other fears. The fear I am talking about is Fear of Success.

Fear of Rejection we feel. Fear of Failure we feel. These fears and almost all others cause us intense discomfort; faster heartbeat and breathing, the movement of all the blood from our gut to our arms and legs, the sweating, the rush of adrenaline. But with fear of success – NOTHING.

I’ve always felt that buried deep within me is this fear. Although I have lived a successful life I always felt that I could have achieved more. That something within me, my drive and ambition, would get me to a certain point, and then bam, I’d hit a wall. Have you ever felt this way?

Before I recognized Fear of Success in other people what I would see was a person getting ready to get ready. And by that I mean someone who did all the research, got themselves educated to the point where they knew what to do, but never pulled the trigger. Never took the leap. And when asked why, they’d have to think, but could never come up with a logical answer.

I’ll admit, I’m still looking for that answer, and maybe you are too.

With Love,

Michael